This is probably going to be the realest blog I’ve ever written in my life. I really don’t know what I’m going to say, but I do know that what I’m about to say has a purpose. I don’t think this will be posted on Facebook for the simple fact that I know only a few people will actually read it and the few that comment will give me cliché comments like look to God and there are people who love you. Those are things that I already know, so that won’t provide any help.
It began to rain today and I decided to sit in my garage and just think while the Earth gets purified. I began to do some deep sole searching and look on how my life has been so far. I know that there are few things I can complain about because God has blessed me so much, but there is one thing that tends to stand out every time I think about my life. Have you ever felt like you were just “Generic” or that you really wasn’t a priority in people’s lives. Well that’s how I feel from time to time. Many people may look at me on the outside and say, “How can you feel like you are not a priority when you have a mother and a father that live together, along with a loving sister. Plus you got to college for free and a lot of people know you???”
Well, I know that God and my family loves and care for me, but the problem is that it is hard to believe that anyone else cares. I’m a giving person and everybody knows that. I do all I can to help people out, but it doesn’t seem like I get back what I give out. I don’t ask for anything back when I do good deeds for people, but it would be nice if I could get something in return other than a THANK YOU. And the one thing that is hard for me to come to grips with is that I feel like I’m incapable of being a best friend. The reason why I say this is that if you ask every person I associate who their “BEST FRIEND” is. I can honestly say that NONE of them will say my name. Now that’s not a knock on them because I can’t control that, but can you imagine how that feels. I consider myself that friend EVERYBODY needs but don’t really appreciate to the extent that they appreciate their other friends.
I have all the qualities of a great friend in that I listen, provide help in times of need, and I’m always out there for your best interest. But those same qualities are the reason why I’m not BEST FRIEND material. People take dependable people for granted because they figure that person is always going to be dependable. So, they find people who they can have all out fun with. Now, I know that I don’t do a lot of things that society considers fun like smoke, drink, have pre-marital sex, and party. But, I provide much more than that as a person.
I compare my life to that of Tayshaun Prince. Remember back in 2004 when the Pistons beat the Lakers for the championship. We all know that them winning was a total team effort. But when you think about the pecking order of who was important, the first 4 names that come to your mind are Chauncey Billups, Rasheed Wallace, Richard Hamilton, and Ben Wallace. The person that is easily forgotten is Tayshaun Prince. If you look at Tayshaun, you will find out that he was possibly the most versatile player the player the Pistons had and he was the best perimeter defender they had. He shot the corner 3 when they needed it and he was a quiet leader. But, no matter how many times you think about that team, those first 4 names always come to mind before his. It’s not after you mention his name that you say “Oh, yeah he is a great player.” If you don’t believe me, remember when 4 of the Piston made the All Star team??? Well who was the only one to not make the All Star team from that starting 5??? It was Tayshaun Prince!!!
And that’s how I feel from time to time. No matter how dependable I am, I’m easily forgotten when it comes to the pecking order of people. I’m what you call a BACK BURNER friend. I’m that person who people throw on the back burner because they feel they have better people to be around. Now I know that people don’t intentionally try to do this to me, but that doesn’t take away the hurt feeling I get when I realize that someone forgot that I even existed!!! I guess that’s why it’s hard for me to get personal with the people I meet because I know that they will eventually forget all about me. I’m affected by this to a great degree because it seems that I will grow up alone.
And that’s how I feel from time to time. No matter how dependable I am, I’m easily forgotten when it comes to the pecking order of people. I’m what you call a BACK BURNER friend. I’m that person who people throw on the back burner because they feel they have better people to be around. Now I know that people don’t intentionally try to do this to me, but that doesn’t take away the hurt feeling I get when I realize that someone forgot that I even existed!!! I guess that’s why it’s hard for me to get personal with the people I meet because I know that they will eventually forget all about me. I’m affected by this to a great degree because it seems that I will grow up alone.
I would love to be the first choice of people when they think about a person. But I have had that feeling only a few times in my life. I know I should look to the hills from which cometh my help because all my help comes from the Lord. But, sometimes we as human beings seek Earthly value from people. There was one point in my life when I hated looking at my phone ring because I knew that the only reason people were calling me was because they needed something. There are few times when someone calls me just to check in on me to see how I’m doing. People just normally want something out of me. I’ve learned how deal with it, so it really doesn’t bother me anymore. But what I haven’t gotten used to is all these half-hearted apologies. People seem to think that a simple “I’m Sorry” rectifies what ever they do to me. I’m a forgiving guy, but still words without action make me mad!!! All I ask is that if I don’t lie to you, please don’t lie to me.
Now I don’t know exactly why I’m writing this post, but I do know that it is allowing me to take inventory of my life. I know eventually I will find answers to my questions, but I just wish that day would come sooner. I guess that’s why I listen to so much Charles Hamilton. I can’t directly relate to him, but I can apply some of his problems that he encounters to my life. He was freestyling the other day on Ustream and he said one phrase that caught my ear. He said that he was a NOBODY KNOWN BY EVERYBODY and that is exactly how I feel. I feel that I’m not important enough to be considered a top priority in anyone’s life, but everyone seems to know who I am. I guess I’m just a person that benefits a lot of people so they have to at least keep me apart of their life even though I’m not exactly what they would call a “Best Friend.”
So, I’m sure that this post will be like most of my others. It will be overlooked my many, while others will read parts of it and not all. I’m not really writing this for other people though. I’m writing this for me. I’m trying to let my frustrations out in some way so I won’t have all these feelings bottled up inside of me. I’m destined for greatness; I just hope that I have the right people around me so I can take them along with me.