Disclaimer
Hello
everyone!!! It’s been a long time since my last true blog post. I can’t lie, it’s going to be hard to write
this one because I know it may cause some emotional outbursts from people and
the last thing I want to do is hurt another person. But this blog is my spot to really just write
down my feelings and get feedback. It
also offers me some sort of healing in that I get to show people another side
of me that they didn’t know existed. It
almost feels like I have to write my feelings on this blog. I’ve spent the majority of my life doing my
best to stay out of controversy and not be the “Fall Guy”. But from time to time, I still end up being
that guy. At least when I write this,
I’ll have a written statement from me explaining my actions and I can know the
undeniable truth as written by me was said.
Now people may say why you can’t just talk to someone. First, I’m mostly Introvert, so talking to
people about me isn’t the easiest thing for me to do. Secondly, I find it relaxing to tell some
complete stranger my problems. Without a
relationship established, those people normally give me a truly unbiased
opinion. I hate when people beat around
the bush just to spare my feelings. I’d
respect you more if you would just knock that tree down and be upfront with
me. Finally, people don’t think they
have to continually earn my trust.
Because I’m mild mannered, they think they can just treat me right on
occasions and I will just tell them everything from the depths of my soul. One thing about me is that I’m stubborn. I’ll give you a piece of me but only in
spurts. I know for a fact that people repeat
things to other people. Before I tell
you something, I want to be sure that I want other people to know it. And just because I won’t tell you something
off the bat, does not mean I won’t tell you at all or that I don’t trust you. You have to work with me. There are things I don’t want to do. That doesn’t mean I won’t do them though. If you tell me why you want me to do
something, then I’ll probably do what you want me to do with a little more
joy. I just hate wasting my time. I’m real because I can’t hide my
emotions. My face says it all. You just have to be willing to work with me
and not get easily frustrated. Chances
are, I’m frustrated with you as well, but I’m putting up with it for the
greater good. You can at least try to do
the same. So now that I got this
disclaimer out the way, I can get into what I really want to talk about.
ENJOY!!!!
Faith
I
want to start off with my faith because I realize it’s the most important thing
in my life. My relationship with God
hasn’t been where it should be and I admit that. I haven’t been studying the word as much as I
should and it eats at me from time to time.
God has blessed me so much and I can’t seem to give him his proper time
throughout the day. I still pray every
night and I still go to church on Sunday, but a relationship with God is more
than that. It’s a journey that you have
with Him that takes you through many peaks and valleys ultimately sculpting you
into the person God want you to be. I’m
not what God sees I should be right now.
It’s important that I say that for a number of reasons though. Many people view me in a positive light and
I’ve worked hard to instill that trust in each and every individual I
meet. There are certain things I don’t
do and to this day I will never do them.
But I am not perfect in any way.
Most people outside of my family don’t know that I have struggled with
Pornography. So you never get too up to
fall. But I say that to say this. God sees your pain and your struggles and
still sees you in the same light that He has always seen you in. He loves you no matter the problem and He
wants to establish a relationship with you regardless of what you’ve done. And I guess that’s why it hurts so much to
know I’m not doing what needs to be done on a daily basis to adhere to God’s
plan when He has been there for me a countless number of times when I didn’t deserve
it. But the good thing about God is that
He is merciful. He has put me in an
environment where I can’t stray too far away from Him. Now don’t get me wrong, I still help out in
my church and I offer guidance to people who need it. But like I said, it’s more than that. When I decided to write this blog, I wanted
to be 100% honest and truthful because I know there are many assumptions about
me. I’m not as great as you think I am,
but I’m not as bad as you want me to be.
And I figure, if people can see me in a vulnerable state, they will
begin to understand me more. Plus, I
just hope that reading this causing someone to evaluate their relationship with
God and realize how imperfect they are.
Pursuit of a Career
Well
after an extensive job search, I can say God positioned me with a good job that
I can be proud of. People don’t know how
hard it was for me to find a job. My
resume looks great, but what you have done means nothing to people looking to
hire for an entry level position. It’s
all about who you know. I can’t lie and
say I don’t feel like I have been passed over because of that very fact. Just the other day, I saw a picture of
someone I interviewed alongside for a corporate internship. Turns out he actually got the job even though
I was probably more qualified. I was a little
ticked but I got over it. Not mad at
him. Get your paper. But it’s hard to feel any comfort knowing
that no matter what I do, I will get looked over. That’s not the best feeling in the
world. But enough of that let me get to
the good stuff. I work the front desk
and do night audit at the Embassy Suites near where I stay. This is a great experience for me because our
hotel is a real business type atmosphere.
Many large companies hold events there and their workers stay there
often. So I meet a lot of people daily
by just working and being hospitable.
I’ve earned a large amount of trust with my coworkers because of my
willingness to learn and my punctuality (being there on time). I thank God for the favor He has given me
with these people and I’m doing my best to no let them down. I just pray that that this experience doesn’t
end up like my past experiences where unexpected events lead to
expiration. If I have to leave, I want
it to be on good terms with a suitable solution for both parties. I can’t say that I know what it means to
achieve your dream though. Like, I have
dreams but none of them seem attainable due to the position that I’m in so I
end up settling for whatever is best at the time. For once I would like to realize a dream of mine
and be happy that I accomplished it. I’m
tired of doing the more “Realistic” thing.
Friendships
This
has been an interesting year as it relates to my friendship with people. I’ve had some ups and I’ve had some
downs. I’ve been tested and tried. I can’t say I’ve whether or not I’ve passed
the majority of the test. But I can say
I’ve grown so much as a person throughout these times. One of my closets friend’s father just passed
away and it hit me hard. For one, I
don’t like seeing my friends hurt and not be in a position where I can take
that pain away. I don’t know why God
makes certain decisions, but I tend to not question His decision making as to
why. I just hope this situation brings
my friend closer to God because He’s the only one that can provide him with a
since of peace that he is lacking right now.
I’m doing my best to make things feel as normal as I can. But I can’t front and say I don’t feel like a
hypocrite telling someone it’s going to be alright when my father is alive and
breathing. I know those words probably
don’t mean much, but I want to be there for my friend. That’s the least that I can do. I have another friend who’s pursuing his
dream but I honestly don’t know how serious he is about it. The people around him try to be his support
system but there is only so much we can do.
I see the same people pursue the same dream that he has with way more
ferocity and some of them end up making it.
And they’re normally less talented than my friend. But I know what his problem is. He lets outside forces deter him from his
goal. I can’t be there all the time
because there are certain things I don’t do.
But I guess when you get caught up in a lifestyle, you adapt to the
people that surround you. I just hope
his talent isn’t wasted. I’ve done all I
can do, but I can’t continue to move on someone’s behalf if they’re not all
in. And just saying that you’re all in
isn’t enough for me. I have to see a
level of consistency in your actions that goes with your statement. Until I see that, I will just let the inevitable
happen.
Relationships
This
will probably be the longest section of this blog because I have plenty to say
on this. It seems like every time I write
on this blog I’m single. Maybe it’s just
meant for me to be single when I write like this. Who knows?
But anyway, I’ve been single for about 3 and half months now. And I can truly say it’s been quite the
journey these past couple of months. I’ve
gotten over her but I can’t lie and say I’m not a little bit bitter as to how
it went down. It just feels like I
failed the relationship. Now she can
tell me all she wants that it’s not my fault but I can’t help but feel that it
is my fault because it wasn’t my idea to break away. We’ve talked about it and have found
closure. I’ll let that stand. We decided to remain friends and at one point
that was going good. But now it feels
like God is transitioning us from Friends to Associates. We barely communicate now because neither one
of us feels that it is necessary. When
we do communicate, it’s the cordial “Hey, how are you?” and “How is everything
going?” That’s about it. I guess God has placed us on different paths
that are heading in two totally different directions. That normally happens in my life. Friends are in my life for a season or two
and then they’re off doing their own thing.
It’s not they’re fault. Things
just happen. And before you know it,
they become a distant memory in my life.
That’s kinda how I deal with things.
Once they’re gone, I’m forced to move on. But I’ve made a promise to myself. I refuse to just call her up out the blue and
proceed to whine and complain to her while squeezing in a marriage proposal
like her old boyfriends. Like I said, I’m
content with the thought of not having her as my girlfriend. I plan on moving on. I guess I’m more hurt that our friendship has
turned into the last days of our relationship.
We’re just going through the motions.
Maybe it’s on me. I can’t sit
here and say I would be overjoyed to see her right now if she walked through
the door. I don’t know how I would feel
to be honest. I’d imagine it would be an
awkward moment with us just going through the motion and doing the traditional
song and dance. But I will say
this. God gave me exactly what I asked
for. A while back, I had a simple prayer
to God as it concerns my relationship status.
I got so desperate just to have someone that I asked God to just send me
someone to teach me how to be a good boyfriend.
God did just that with her so I guess that was her purpose in my
life. Well now I have a new prayer. I just pray that the next one is The
One. I’m tired of looking and I just
want a girl who’s willing to put up with me and that I’m willing to put up
with. I’ve always said that I would be
able to determine if a girl was The One by our first argument. If I was able to take what she was dishing
and she was able to take what I was dishing out, then I would know that we’re
capable of spending the rest of our lives together. In my last relationship, we never argued. Just subtle debates. I held a lot of stuff in and she did the
same. Before you know it, assumptions
and misconceptions were the death of us.
I always think what if we just argued one time and was able say how we
feel before seeking guidance. Maybe we
would have lasted longer. You never
know. But I can say she was a good
girlfriend. God is doing some pretty
awesome things in her life. I still pray
for her happiness every night. She’s
going to be fine because God has her back.
As with me, I’m still searching for The One. I don’t want to live my life alone. I know God is all that I need, but I really
want a mate. Even Adam needed help and
so do I. But in my pursuit of a female
companion, I’ve changed a couple of my viewpoints. I don’t know if I can risk another friendship
like this last one, so I can’t say that it’s totally right to date your
friends. It’s hard enough to find good
friends in this world. So losing one is
a hard pill to swallow. Another thing
that has really been bothering me is the length I go to make people happy. I tried so hard to please my girlfriend but those
things couldn’t save our relationship. I’m
really thinking about toning it down some.
I figure I can save the outlandish stuff for marriage. If she truly likes me, it shouldn’t
matter. And the main thing that has
changed with me is probably what I look for in a mate. I’m really more concerned with a girl’s
tolerance level. I don’t know if I can
handle a super sensitive girl. I put up
with so much stuff that it’s hard for me to see how someone can’t get easily
offended or hurt off the simplest of things.
I’m not trying to hurt anyone.
Sometimes I need the girl to know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m
not doing things to hurt her. It hurts
me when I have to apologize for hurting someone’s feelings when my intentions
where spare that very person’s hurt. I’d
like to be trusted as well. I just need
God to restore my faith. He did it one
time for me, so I know he can do it again.
Conclusion
And
that’s me in a nutshell. I have plenty
more to say but I figure most of you are tired of reading this book so I will
save the rest for the next time. But I
will leave you with this. I wrote this
piece as a means of understanding. Many
people don’t understand me. They assume
they know but are mostly wrong. I am an
Introvert. I’m quiet most of the
time. But that doesn’t mean I don’t
talk. I feed off the energy of
others. If you come to me talking in a
calm, quiet manner, I’ll probably talk to you in a calm and quiet manner. But if you talk to me with energy, you might
be surprised with what you get out of me.
I have insecurities that need to be addressed. But that doesn’t mean it will be easy to get
those feelings out of me. I want to tell
you, but I’d like to do it on my terms.
If you put enough trust in me, you will get what you want out of
me. But at the moment where you begin to
look down on me or get frustrated, I will lock up again. I’m giving you warning now. Just because I’m hard to crack does not mean
I’m not worth the try. Even some of the
greatest gifts have the hardest packages to open. Just give me a chance and it will be worth
the ride. Thank you for reading and
please send me some kind of feedback. I’m
real interested in hearing what you all had to say.