I think I’m not going out on a limb when I say that
people think differently about me. To
some I’m quiet, standoffish, disinterested, lowkey mean or shy. Now I admit I can come off that way to some
people. But let me be clear, I’m not
that way to everyone. That’s one of my
major flaws that I’m trying to deal with everyday of my life. It’s a huge battle that I fight and my
win-loss record with that obstacle is just about even. I lose just as much as I win and that fact
eats at me every single day of my life.
But I deal with it and I continue to fight. Now you may ask why I’m writing a piece such
as this. Well I want people to know that
I’m not the only person like me.
Actually, it’s quite common for a person to have some if not most of the
traits I possess. This piece is meant to
explain why we are who we are and to give some tips as to how we deal with what
we are and get better in our state.
Hopefully, someone will read this piece and better understand themselves
and gain the necessary hope that will enable them to get out of their
situation.
Why I Am The Way I Am?
To understand me, you must first know my past. I grew up in a great home. God couldn’t have picked better parents for
me and I thank Him daily for that. My
father is a pastor and my mother is a missionary. I have one younger sister and we are like the
best of friends. Life seems lovely don’t
it? But every life comes with some type
of pressure that shapes and molds the very person we are and what we are to
become. Because of my parent’s religious
beliefs, I was shaped in that same mold.
Unlike other pastor’s kids, I didn’t want to rebel against my parents
beliefs for the most part. I saw the
positives that came from that lifestyle, so the last thing I wanted to do was
disappoint them. So there was certain
things I didn’t do and still don’t do to this day. I never wanted to party, smoke, drink, curse
or partake in a riotous way of living because I saw its downside.
Now the thing about my denomination is that there is no
gray area really. Something is either
right or wrong. That can be confusing
growing up because in the world we live in today, things that are considered
wrong in my church are considered normal in everyday life. The one thing God blessed me with was a mind
to think for myself. So I see these
things and I instantly start to question certain things internally. First mistake!!!! I keep a lot of stuff in and that was the
beginning of me appearing to be quiet. I
was scared to question things I didn’t have a full knowledge of. And these are the people God has placed over
me so I always figured they knew more than me.
So as you can see, the pressure of trying to please people even when you
don’t know why you are trying to please them can cause a person to become
confused in who they are as a person.
Let’s dig a little bit deeper because there is more.
I had a love/hate relationship with high school. I mean, I loved most of my teachers, made
some really good friends and got to play football. But there was a downside. You will never hear me say,”Man I wish I
could go back to my high school days”.
Nope, never that. One of the
greatest days of my life was when I graduated from that place. I never wanted to be a part of that
particular environment ever again. There is a reason for this. While I felt respected by mostly everyone, it
still doesn’t take away the fact that I felt I was teased and used because of
the way I chose to live my life.
Different people would just choose to make jokes about me for things I didn't do. Whether it was attempting to
get me to curse or talking about the way I walked. Those comments slowly ate at my self
confidence even though that wasn’t even the hardest part about my ordeal. Because I tried to do what the bible said, I
took most of those hurtful comments. Now
I wasn’t a punk. I stood up for
myself. That was part of the reason I
loved football so much. I could hit
people legally as hard as I was able to and not get in trouble for doing
it. I used to love when people who used
to tease me joined the football team. I
would try to light them up. I had a hit list
too. Lol But anyway, I took most of
those comments because God said turn the other cheek. And those people didn’t make it any easier on
me because they often cheated off me ALL through school. I foolishly helped them but it was not for
their respect. It was because I felt it
was the right thing to do at the time.
Speaking of cheating off me ALL through school, that leads me to tell you all about my social
awkwardness with girls. All through
middle and high school, I had a weird interest in what type of girl I actually
liked. I always wanted a good girl I
could take home to mother but those were all taken. So being the man I am, I still wanted
affection. Well somewhere along the
line, most of the girls I ended of liking were some of the same girls who
tended to cheat off me. They were using
me and I let them do it. But I always
seemed to catch on though. I would wait
until we had a major test and ignore them.
In my mind, since they were using me, I was going to handicap them for
the rest of their lives. I wanted to
trick them into trusting me so much that they got too lazy to do their own
work. And once they left high school,
they wouldn’t be equipped to think well enough for themselves at any higher
institute of learning. I know, it sounds
bad but that’s how I felt at the time.
All through high school, I was not confident enough to
talk to a girl like I wanted to because I wasn’t sure if anyone was not trying
to use me or if they really just liked me for me. That still haunts me to this day. I struggle with my confidence and thinking if
girls really like me or they just playing.
That’s probably why I’m such an outspoken person on Twitter about how
trifling girls are. I’ve been hurt a
lot. That’s slick why when my last
relationship went south, I was so confused and hurt. I felt like I did all I could do, but it
still didn’t work. I wanted to blame
her, I blamed me, I blamed society. That
was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. A broken heart.
How Do I Deal With It And Get Better?
As you can see, different factors in my past lead to me
being a certain way. But that’s not an
excuse and it shouldn’t ever be used as one.
Defeating the feeling of Social Awkwardness is not an easy battle, but
you can fight it. Here are some helpful
tips that I incorporate in my everyday life.
Fight the thought of being scared to fail
My biggest weakness is my fear of failure. It prohibits me from doing most of the things
I’m capable of doing. But as I said
before, that shouldn’t be used as an excuse.
You have to realize that failure is a part of life. Avoiding failure will not prevent failure
because at the end of the day you are still failing if you never try. The question I often ask myself is which
result is worse: Failing at the task or Never giving myself the opportunity to
succeed? Case in point, I told you all
about my struggles with confidence as it relates to girls. Well there is actually a girl I like right
now. The main thing that’s holding me
back is the what-if’s. What if she don’t
like me like that? What if this messes up how we relate as friends? What if I’m
just not good enough for her? What if
she’s feeling another dude that I don’t know about? The options for failure are limitless. But the hope that keeps me wanting to pursue
her more is the thought that, we really do have a great time when we are
together and I can’t just make my feelings for her disappear. So those two questions come back up. Which is worse: Failing at the opportunity to
be with her or Not giving myself a chance to be with her? So, I’ve made my decision. Maybe next post, I’ll be writing about how
happy I actually took the chance of getting with her and it worked. Or next post I could be writing a sympathy
post. Hey, you never know. Lol
Expand Your Comfort Zone
I hate when people tell other people to step out of their
comfort zone. The people who tell other
people that are in their comfort zone when telling people that. I say, expand your comfort zone. There are certain desires and tendencies God
has given you. You should work within
that framework to better yourself. How
can you do anything to the best of your ability without feeling a certain level
of comfort in doing so? Take chances,
but do them on your terms. Other people
do the exact same thing. They just want
you to believe that they were completely out of their comfort zone when they
did it. They’re probably lying. Plus, there is more than one solution to a
problem. Your solution might not be to
completely do something you’re not comfortable in doing. Some people have to be eased into doing
things. Nothing is wrong with that. Keep telling yourself that until you believe
it.
Learn About Yourself
We live with ourselves daily but we sometimes fail to
really understand ourselves. And by
understanding ourselves, I mean being content with the person that we are. We try to be what other people envision us to
be instead of just enjoying who we truly are.
I advise anyone to learn what you like and dislike. Take charge of your life and become one with
who you are. You know if you like doing
something for you as opposed to doing it for someone else. Find something you like doing, and let that
become your safe haven from the world. I
feel you can learn a lot about yourself when you actually know when you are
happy. The quicker you find that out,
the quicker you can formulate your own plan for yourself. That will bring a certain level of comfort
just knowing you know what you want to do.
And let me tell you this.
Everyone knows what they truly want to do. Everyone doesn’t know how they will do
it. That’s the hard part. But it’s only half the battle. If you conquer the first battle in finding
out what you want to do, then you can conquer the next battle of figuring out
how you are going to do it.
Don’t Be Too Afraid To Let People In
I told you all I hated high school. But what I didn’t tell you is that I LOVED
college! I loved it so much that I went
back for a second degree. Lol One of the reasons I loved college was that I was
able to expose myself to new people.
People who didn’t know me. People
who didn’t judge me. That was key in my
development. I was able to open up more
around certain people and I wasn’t thinking about what they think of me. I was just doing me. It expanded my support system. A support system is something we all need. By having that support system, I gained
enough confidence to do things like this.
Be honest about myself in front of as many people who will read this
post. Like me, you have to realize that
everyone does not want to use you or get in all your business. They really want to help you. Find some people who want to help you. Involve yourself in different programs who
are designed to give you help. Opening
up about your flaws and being okay with them can only help in your maturation
process. These blogs are like healing
sessions for me because they allow me to say how I feel. And that’s coming from a person who prides
himself in people not knowing what he’s thinking.
Hopefully I said something in this blog that will help a
person out. I was inspired to write this
blog because of a message in church I heard on Sunday. We often hear the drastic stories of how
people deal with this problem. But you
never hear the common man’s story. I
wanted to give that perspective. If you
liked this post by all means let me know.
Follow me on Twitter at @CaptoniousMonk, Instagram – Clemred21, Facebook
– Clemon Redmond III, or email me at clemred21@yahoo.com. Thanks For Reading!!!!!